My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Randomize