My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
