I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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