i may or may not be watching the land before time
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
