Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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