Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
