I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
