good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
