When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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