I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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