Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize
