I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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