i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
