ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
