I can feel you judging me through the phone.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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