There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
is that a dick in a sweater?
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I forget how to act sober
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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