He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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