His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
