I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
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