Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
