I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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