I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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