I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
