I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
