I'd wear matching sweaters with you
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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