I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
