just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
