I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
