Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Randomize
