im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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