the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Randomize
