dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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