Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
