1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Randomize
