i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
