The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
My cat gives me a boner
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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