Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
