OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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