I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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