No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
