I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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