Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Randomize
