but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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