Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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