Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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