I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
