Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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