i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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