This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
