I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
