i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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