i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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