Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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