I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
