there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
