When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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