I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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