I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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