Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
