in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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