My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
