I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
