you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
