So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
