I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
