okay pat passed out under dana's car
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
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