Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Randomize
