I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
