I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Randomize
