He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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