no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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