I just saw a hot homeless man
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
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