I can't watch pbs sober anymore
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
