I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
