she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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