If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
