Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Randomize
