I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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